I hate the feeling you get when you feel so angry at someone for something that is out of their control. If you feel angry at someone in that type of way you aren’t really mad at them, you are mad about something else. Sometimes someone else. Sometimes even yourself.
My husband that lives in Egypt sent me a couple messages while he was out having fun with his friends. I was already annoyed because of the situation that had escalated with my youngest daughter. I was even more annoyed that he was sending me messages while he was out having a good time. Part of it is anger, part of it is envy. Internally, I shout, how DARE you have a good time while I am stuck at home day in and day out with the kids. Can he help the situation and that he cannot come over here yet? No, not really. But it still makes me angry. Because for the past 7 years I have been raising his daughter alone.
Parenting.
Always parenting. There are no days off. There are no vacation days. There are no sick days. Because even when you are sick you still have to get off your ass and be a parent to these lil monsters (respectively) called my children. Between raising the children on my own (only 1 being his, that’s why I say 7 years and not 12. He’s not to blame for my poor choices beforehand.), car accident, health problems, depression and feeling like I suffer from battered wife syndrome (humorously and sarcastically at the hands of living with my brother for several years). Between all of that and having ZERO friends yes it does make me angry when I’m stuck at home doing all the work trying to parent these children and in a way he gets a free pass to come and go when he wants. Besides work he has no concrete obligations. His time is his own. He can try to sympathize with how I feel but he will never empathize with how I feel because he has not been a parent in the realest sense of the word. Meaning dealing with both the conflicts and the joys. Lately being more conflicts than anything especially with a hormonal, emotionally unbalanced pre-teen in the house that has to go to therapy because she has daddy issues and is trying to shut the whole world out and trying not to feel anything. But that is a whole other story.
In all honesty, I lost most of my friends after I got pregnant with Samara. Which also led me to believe in realize that in all honesty I never had any true and reliable friends. It is a bit hurtful and painful to accept, but that is the truth. In every friendship that I have acquired, I had to do all the work or it would fall apart. I tell myself most of the time that I don’t want any friends because it is too much work, but if both parties were pulling their weight in a friendship then I’m sure it wouldn’t feel so much like working overtime and feel more like a common connection. So yes, it does make me upset, angry even. The fact that no one has valued me enough to treat me as a true friend. Am I not good enough? Have I done something to dishonor them or cause them to distrust me? No, not that I can see. Which knowing that fact it creates a heavier burden on my heart and soul, allowing depression to weigh me down even more. As if I didn’t have enough depression and anxiety problems. Now I can look back on the sad truth and tell myself that I was never good enough to be someone else’s friend. Outside of family, I have no friends. Family functions and living as a hermit in my home pretty much sum up my life at the moment, and a long time even before now.
So yes, I am glad my husband has friends but I also find it annoying. Because he is constantly going out to eat with a different friend, hanging out at his old work to visit his previous co-worker friends and occasionally going on fishing trips. Must be nice. That’s what I say sometimes. And instead of understanding for my situation it is normally met with defensiveness from his end. Him trying to justify why he is out with his friends or perhaps it has been awhile since he has seen this particular friend. I’m not asking that he doesn’t see his friend, just that he try to practice a little empathy and try to understand why I say things like that. Must be nice, sometimes it is said sarcastically, sometimes in humor, sometimes in annoyance but usually it is meant as a said reality because yes, it MUST BE NICE to be able to call so many people your friends. Or even one for that matter.
I always say to people that I’d rather have no friends than friends that are not really good quality friends. I do not go back on that statement. It is still true. But sometimes the truth can be lonely as well. I feel like I have so much more emotion to get out, that I should but I will funnel that into my novel writing later this evening or into my exercising. When I reach my physical limit and I feel like crying because of my back, but I need to get that work out and those steps in. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk about things. Ugly things that bother me. Sometimes I just need to numb them.
Do they make Benzocaine for feelings? I need some of that. Numb it up. Please and thank you.
Rudha Wakening 